Musicals in a Minute
by The Lark
Summary: Your favorite musicals, ultracondensed.
1. Chapter 1

Musicals in a Minute

by The Lark

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these musicals. You can sue me if you want, but with the amount of money I've got, you probably shouldn't waste your time. Oh, and I kind of stole this idea from Rinkworks' Book-A-Minute page. I highly recommend the site to anyone in need of a good laugh, and hope its owners will forgive this shameless plagiarism.

**_Les Miserables_**

Jean Valjean: I'm the good guy

Inspector Javert: Are not!

Valjean: _(rescues every other character in the pla_y)

Javert: Wow, I guess I was wrong. I'm not supposed to be wrong! Circuits overloading! Error! Error!

(Everybody dies, but the big rousing musical number at the end somehow makes it feel like a happy ending)

**_Phantom of the Opera_**

Christine Daae: I have an invisible friend who lives in my mirror.

Raoul, Vicomte de Chagny: Whatever you say, honey.

Erik: _(voice booming from the mirror)_ DID YOU JUST CALL MY GIRLFRIEND "HONEY"?! OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN DUMPED! (_freaks out and strangles a random guy)_

Christine: (_to Raoul_) Told ya.

Erik: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? _(strangles another random guy) _I HAD OUR CHILDREN'S NAMES PICKED OUT AND EVERYTHING!

Christine: Erik, I really feel for you, but I just don't like you in "that way". _(gives him a kiss) _Now how about calling off your murderous rampage?

Erik: _(sigh) _Okay

(_Erik suddenly vanishes into thin air, because Andrew Lloyd Webber was too lazy to write a real ending_)

_Rent_

Roger: I'm dying. Woe is me.

Mimi: Chill out. I'm dying too, but you don't see me getting all whiney about it. Now come on, let's go make out!

Roger: No can do. I'm too busy writing angst to fall in love right now. Please, get out of here, before I start to cheer up!

Mimi: Jerk

Angel: We're dying too, so we'd better party while we've still got the chance.

Collins: Sounds good to me!

Joanne: Maureen, I love you, but you're really annoying.

Maureen: Right back at you, babe.

Mark: (_sigh) _I don't know how I got mixed up in this story, but whatever.

Benny: Yeah, yeah, your problems are all very interesting, but pay me the rent money you owe me or you're gonna be sleeping in the gutter.

(Someone dies, and it is heartbreaking. Someone almost dies, but then doesn't, and it is heartwarming)

**_Aida_**

Amneris: I love you, Radames!

Radames: I love enslaving people!

Aida: I hate you, Radames!

Radames: I hate you too!

Aida: I hate you more!

Radames: (_dreamy look)_ …You know, Aida, you're really cute when you're angry.

Aida: Are you coming on to me? Yuck!

Radames: Kiss me!

Aida: Absolutely not!

Radames: _(pout) _Please?

Aida: (_dreamy look)_…You know, Radames, you're really cute when you're pouting…

They are buried alive as punishment for falling in love, because the ancient Egyptians believed in creative sentencing

**_The Scarlet Pimpernel_**

Sir Percy Blakeney: I can't tell my wife about my secret identity because I'm afraid she'll betray me.

Marguerite: (_betrays him anyway)_

Sir Percy Blakeney: (_saves the day, then models the latest fashions)_

**_Ragtime_**

Coalhouse Walker, Jr: (_commits mass murder)_

Younger Brother: Wow, you're so cool!

Father: What are you talking about? He's evil!

Coalhouse: Hey, those jerks deserved to die! They messed up my car!

All: …

Coalhouse: Oh, uh, and killed my girlfriend.

All: (_sympathetic)_ Awww!

(Various historical figures make cameos and wave miniature American flags )

**_Avenue Q_**

Lucy the Slut: I'm a slut

Brian: I'm a loser

Christmas Eve: I'm foleign

Princeton: I'm naïve

Kate: I'm loveable

Nicky: I'm a slob

Rod: I'm Bert--I mean Rod.

All: And our lives are !#$ !#$ !#$-ing !#$!!!

Audience: Aw, isn't that cute? The puppets learned how to swear.

**_Miss Saigon_**

Kim: My life sucks. What I need is a big strong man.

Chris: I'll do it! I'll be your big strong man!

Kim: I love you, Chris. Now marry me and take me out of this dump!

(They are torn apart by war, and reunited three years later)

Kim: My life still sucks. Oh, and we have kid now whose life also sucks. Marry me and take us out of this dump.

Ellen: Back off, he's mine now!

Chris: Yup, sorry.

Kim: Oh. Well, then, I guess I'll just crawl into a hole and die.

**_Martin Guerre_**

Martin Guerre: Look! I'm Martin Guerre!

Arnaud du Thil: No, I'm Martin Guerre!

Martin Guerre: Are not!

Arnaud du Thil: Am too!

Martin Guerre: Are not!

Arnaud du Thil: Okay, I give up, he's right.

Guillaume: Well, now that that's settled, let's all go crazy and kill each other!

(They do, and it's kinda pointless)

**The Secret Garden**

Archibald Craven: I'm a cripple and my wife is dead and my kid is dying and LIFE SUCKS!

Colin Craven: I'm a cripple and my mom is dead and my dad hates me and LIFE SUCKS!

Mary Lennox: (_plants some flowers, which somehow fixes everything)_

**_Jane Eyre_**

Mrs. Reed: I hate you, Jane Eyre!

Mr. Brocklehurst: I hate you, Jane Eyre!

Edward Rochester: I love you, Jane Eyre!

Jane Eyre: I love you too!

Rochester: Really? Well, then, I know you won't mind my deep dark secret

Jane: You have a deep dark secret?! (_runs away)_

Rochester: _(sigh)_ I lose more women that way…

St. John Rivers: Aw, Jane, cheer up. Why waste time crying over him when you could come and toil in some godforsaken jungle with me.

Jane: Er, that sounds delightful, but I think I hear Rochester calling me… (_runs back)_

**_Cats_**

Deuteronomy: (_looks wise)_ We're Jellicle cats!

Grizabella: (_looks miserable)_ We sing Jellicle songs!

Mistoffeles: (_shoots flashy stuff out of his paws)_ And act out Jellicle metaphors!

Andrew Lloyd Webber: (_standing atop a pile of moneybags)_ And make me lots of Jellicle money!

_**A/N: If anyone can think of any other musical they'd like me to ultra-condense for them, by all means, let me know.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**_Fiddler on the Roof_**

Tzeitl: Daddy, I'm in love with a big loser. Mind if I marry him?

Tevye: Okay.

Hodel: Daddy, I'm in love with a big loser. Mind if I marry him?

Tevye: Fine, whatever.

Chava: Daddy, I'm in love with a big loser. Mind if I marry him?

Tevye: ABSOLUTELY NOT! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! YOU'RE DEAD TO ME!

**_Jekyll and Hyde_**

Dr. Henry Jekyll: _(excitedly) _Hey, everybody, guess what? I've invented a magic potion that destroys evil and restores 1d6 hit points!

Rest of the Cast: Um, okay…that's swell, Henry.

Jekyll: Now I just need someone to test it on. Anybody? Anybody?

Jekyll: Hmph! Fine, I'll do it myself. _(gulp) _Hmm, I don't feel any less evil. Haven't gained any hit points either. Maybe this stuff is…errrrr…aaaaaagh!

Edward Hyde: RAUGH! I'M EVIL!

Jekyll: Must've failed an Item Creation check while I was brewing that potion. (dies)

Emma Carew: _(cries)_ Rats! I liked him!

**_Wicked_**

The People of Oz: _(dance happily) _Ding-dong, the witch is dead!

Glinda/Galinda/Whatever Her Freaking Name Is: Hey, don't talk like that about my BFF! It's not easy being green.

**_Hairspray_**

Tracy: Mom, I wanna dance on TV!

Edna: You can't, you're too fat and ugly.

Tracy: _(hurt) _That's not my fault! I kinda have to be ugly. I mean, I'm sweet and likable and talented, and everybody who meets me instantly loves me. The ugly thing is all that stands between me and Mary Sue status.

(Tracy dances on TV, battles against segregation, and then becomes an Olympic gold medalist…okay, not the last one)

**Sweeney Todd**

Mrs. Lovett: Hey, Todd, you wanna make some extra money?

Sweeney Todd: How?

Mrs. Lovett: I want you to start killing your customers so that I can make their corpses into pies.

Sweeney Todd: _(shrugs) _Sure, why not? It's not like I actually care about anyone in this crap-town anyway.

(He discovers that there is somebody he cares about in that crap-town, but by that time, he's killed her, 7,489 other Londoners, a couple of neighbor dogs that barked too loudly, and a lawn gnome that kept looking at him funny)

**_The Sound of Music_**

Mother Superior: Maria, you're driving us crazy, so we're renting you out to some guy who needs a babysitter for his demonic children

Demonic Child #1: We hate you, Fraulein Maria!

Demonic Child #2: But don't take it personally. We hate everything.

Demonic Child #3: Now if you'll excuse us, we were just on our way to spray paint swearwords all over a church.

Maria: Oh, but don't you think it would be more fun to sit and sing a scale with me?

Demonic Child #4: Do re mi fa so la ti do…argh…I think I just morphed into an Angelic Child.

Angelic Child #1: _(wince_) Me too

Angelic Children: We love you, Fraulein Maria!

Captain Von Trapp: What?! How dare you teach my children to act like human beings?! Fifty lashes, and then you walk the plank!

Maria: Settle down. Perhaps you'd like to come sing with us?

Captain Von Trapp: Do re mi fa so la ti do…argh…I think I just morphed into a romantic character.

(The Nazis randomly arrive on the scene, and the Von Trapps somehow find an excuse to sing about even that)

**_The Music Man_**

Professor Harold Hill: Ah, I love conning these small town idiots out of their money.

Marian Paroo: I'm on to you, you vile conman, and I won't rest until I see you lynched!

Harold Hill:_ (charming smile)_ Come, now, there's no need to be unfriendly.

Marian: _(glare) _Hit on me again, and I'll bludgeon you to death with an encyclopedia!

Harold Hill: _(backs away nervously)_ Okay, time to try a different tactic. _(befriends her Cute Little Brother) _Hey, kid, can you put in a good word for me?

Cute Little Brother: He'th cool, Thithter. You thould give him a chanth.

Marian: Awww! Okay.

(Marian suddenly decides she loves Harold, and Harold suddenly decides he doesn't love conning. The play comes to an end before the sky can turn green and pigs can start flying.)

**Notre Dame de Paris**

(See Phantom of the Opera. Substitute the names Quasimodo for Erik, Esmeralda for Christine, and Phoebus for Raoul.)

**_Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat_**

_(See the last few chapters of Genesis. Add in a bunch of rainbows and sparkly things)_

**_The Producers_**

Max Bialystock: Hey, nerd boy! I need your help producing a play.

Leo Bloom: But everything you produce sucks.

Max Bialystock: Exactly! This play is going to suck so bad that it'll close after just one night, and we'll be able to skip the country with the investors' money. Brilliant, huh?

Leo Bloom: …But if we're going to skip the country with the investors' money anyway, why do we need to bother with putting on a play? Wouldn't it be less work just to leave with the money?

Max Bialystock: Yeah, but it wouldn't be nearly as funny.

_A/N: Got more requests than I was expecting! Haven't gotten to all of them yet, but I will as soon as I can. In the mean time, if anyone has more, let me know._


	3. Chapter 3

**__**

The King and I

Anna Leonowens: Aww, you royal barbarians are so sweet.

The King of Siam: And you stuffy British snobs aren't so bad either.

Anna Leonowens: Thanks. Wanna dance?

(They randomly dance, and then the King randomly dies)

****

Oklahoma

The Cute Charming Cowboy: (_blush) _Hehe…I think you're cute, Laurey. Wanna get married?

The Ugly Mean Cowboy: _(growl) _I also think you're cute, Laurey. Wanna get married?

Laurey: Well, talk about a no brainer. I pick Bachelor Number One.

The Ugly Mean Cowboy: Big mistake. I don't handle rejection well.

__

(The Ugly Mean Cowboy goes nuts and tries to kill the Cute Charming Cowboy. He fails, and as punishment, is forced to attend group anger management therapy with the Phantom of the Opera, Coalhouse Walker, Jr. from Ragtime, and Elphie from Wicked)

(…All right, seriously, he gets killed.)

****

Jesus Christ Superstar

Apostle #1: Death to Rome!

Apostle #2: Hail freedom!

Apostle #3: Red, the blood of angry men! Black, the dark of ages past!

Judas Iscariot: Shut up, all of you! _(claps a hand over #3's mouth) _You are being politically incorrect! And singing from the wrong musical!

Jesus Christ: _(weary sigh) _I don't suppose anyone cares what I think about all of this? After all, I'm just the Son of God and the Savior of all humanity.

Mary Magdalene: Relax, hon. I'm here for ya.

__

(Jesus dies, which anybody who has ever celebrated Easter probably expected)

**__**

Chicago

Roxie: I can talk men into anything. Isn't that right, honey?

Amos: Whatever you say, darling.

Velma: That's nice. Now, how about becoming my stage partner again?

Roxie: No way

__

(A bunch of stuff happens)

Roxie: Okay, I changed my mind.

**__**

My Fair Lady

Professor Henry Higgins: Anybody with less-than-perfect grammar is subhuman

Eliza Dolittle: Eh, wot? Then oy guess ye ought ter teach me how to talk more better-like, aye?

Higgins: _(cringe)_ Very well.

__

(Higgins puts Eliza through numerous tortures thinly disguised as grammar lessons, which somehow makes her smarter, politer, and cleaner.)

****

Evita

Che: Okay, honestly, Evita was kind of a dictator. But she sure had chutzpah. And great fashion sense.

Evita: Don't cry for me, Argentina! (_dies)_

__

(The people of Argentina respond by mourning all day and mourning all night, effectively rendering the play's most famous song pointless.)

****

West Side Story

Tony: I love you, Maria

Maria: I love you, Romeo--I mean, Tony.

Tony: _(laughs) _Hey, we are kinda like Romeo and Juliet, aren't we? Except that neither of us is going die a tragic dea--

__

(BANG)

Tony: Dammit! Guess I should have seen that coming, huh? _(dies)_

****

Sunset Boulevard

Joe Gillis: Hey, ain't you that washed-up actress?

Norma Desmond: Who wants to know?

Joe Gillis: A washed-up writer

Norma Desmond: _(gets a lightbulb thought-bubble) _Hey, maybe you could help me with this big comeback film I'm writing.

Joe Gillis: Why should I team up with a wacko like you?

Norma Desmond: Because I'm going to pay you a million zillion bucks.

Joe Gillis: Sold!

__

(Norma somehow manages to go even more wacko, and kills Joe.)

****

Kiss Me Kate

Fred Graham: I love you, Lilli

Lilli Vanessi: Yeah, but since we can't seem to go five seconds without an argument, we're probably not cut out for marriage

Fred: We really don't have time to discuss this. We have to get into character for the show.

__

(They rush onstage)

Fred-as-Petruchio: I love you, Kate

Lilli-as-Kate: Yeah, but since we can't seem to go five seconds without an argument, we're probably not cut out for marriage

Fred (-as-Petruchio?) Who cares? Kiss me!

A/N: If anyone has any more requests, keep 'em coming! I'm getting way too big a kick out of poking fun at all these great plays.


	4. Chapter 4

**__**

Moulin Rouge

Christian: _(typing)_ The woman I love is dead

(Flashback)

Christian: I love you, Satine

Satine: (_dies)_

Christian: _(typing)_ See? Told you so.

**__**

Beauty and the Beast

The Beast: How am I ever gonna get this girl to fall in love with me? I know! I'll lock her in a tower and growl at her!

Belle: _(shakes her head sadly) _We need to work on your people skills, hon.

The Beast: _(dresses up in a tux and dances with her) _Better?

Belle: Much. Hmm, I think I love you!

__

(The Beast switches from ugly to hot almost as suddenly as he switched from growling to dancing, and they all live happily ever after)

****

Grease

Danny: Well, I guess there's no way for us to be together, Sandy. I mean, since I can only love big-haired tramps…

Sandy: And I can only love goody-goody jocks…

Danny: Wait a minute, I have the perfect solution! _(tries to transform into a goody-goody jock)_

Sandy: Never mind, I'll save you the trouble _(transforms into a big-haired tramp)_

(They live happily ever after…well, until they have to get married and go look for jobs, anyway.)

****

The Lion King

Scar: You killed your daddy! Now get out of here so I can take over your kingdom!

Simba: Okay _(does as he's told)_

Scar: _(screws up everything)_

Nala: Simba, go fix everything

Rafiki: Simba, go fix everything

Mufasa: Luke, it is your destin--I mean, Simba, go fix everything

Simba: Okay _(does as he's told)_

****

1776

John Adams: Okay, if we're gonna get this Revolution off the ground, the first thing we've got to do is write a Declaration of Independence. Any volunteers?

Ben Franklin: Not me! Let Philip Livingston do it!

Philip Livingston: Not me! Let Roger Sherman do it!

Roger Sherman: Not me! Let John Adams do it!

John Adams: Not me! Let Thomas Jefferson do it!

Thomas Jefferson: _(puts up a lot of weak protests, then writes it)_

****

Spring Awakening

(One spring, there were a bunch of cute, fuzzy animals hibernating in the woods, and then they awakened, and started dancing and singing--)

Melchior: _(indignantly whacks the authors hands away from her keyboard) _What are you talking about?

Wendla: _(looks confused) _That's not the way the play goes!

__

(Look, I'm sorry, but I can't put sex, back-alley abortion, domestic violence and suicide in a K-rated fic, or I'll get deleted. Now go dance with the bears and bunnies, please)

Melchior: _(reluctantly obeys) _This just feels wrong, somehow.

Wendla: I know.

_ ****_

Bye Bye Birdie

Fangirls: Squeeeeee! We love you, Conrad!

Conrad Birdie: I know

Jilted Boyfriends: We hate you, Conrad! Get out of here!

Mr. McAfee: Yeah, what they said!

Albert Petersen: And don't forget to sing my song first.

__

(Conrad is forced to go fight for his life in some foreign country, thus making everybody happy again)

**__**

Assassins

Samuel Byck: We're not such bad guys…

Charles Guiteau: We're just living out the American dream…

John Wilkes Booth: …murdering politicians!

Lee Harvey Oswald: _(beat)_ Actually, the American dream is a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage.

John Wilkes Booth: Meh. Our version is better.

__

(Kennedy is assassinated, and it is strangely uplifting.)

__

A/N: Wow, this is getting way longer than I had anticipated. It was only going to be one chapter! Anyway, you know the drill. If there's something you want to see, review.


	5. Chapter 5

**__**

Camelot

King Arthur: I love you, Guinevere

Guinevere: And I love--whoa! Who's the fox with the lance?

Lancelot: My lady, you shouldn't make those kind of insinuations. You're happily married to the king, and I'm way too perfect to mess with another guy's wife.

Guinevere: But I love you!

Lancelot: Well, I don't suppose anyone could blame you, there…Oh, all right, what the heck!

Mordred: Oh, Dad? Just in case these two haven't made the story angsty enough already, I'm going to betray you too.

(_War breaks out, and it really sucks)_

**__**

Spamalot

Not Dead Fred: I am not dead

King Arthur: That's nice. Now, who wants to help me find the Holy Grail?

Not Dead Fred: I am not dead!

Sir Robin: I'll help

Sir Lancelot: I'm in

Sir Bedivere: Me too

Sir Galahad: Oh, all right, count me in too.

Not Dead Fred: I AM NOT DEAD!

(A lot of weird stuff happens, and they end up finding the stupid cup under some guy's chair)

**__**

High School Musical

Troy: I love you, Gabriella

Gabriella: And I love you, Romeo--I mean, Troy

Troy: _(laughs) _Hey, we are kinda like Romeo and Juliet, aren't we? Except that neither of us is going die a tragic dea-- _(looks nervous) _Hey, this isn't gonna turn out like that West Side musical, is it?

Gabriella: No, don't worry. There's no such thing as tragic death in a Disney film.

**__**

Legally Blonde

Warner: Elle, I like you and all, but you're too ditzy to make a good trophy wife. So I'm going to dump you like a sack of garbage in favor of some hotshot lawyer.

Elle Woods: But I can be a hotshot lawyer too! Watch!

(Elle becomes a hotshot lawyer in less time than it takes most people to become hotshot

hopscotch players)

Warner: Hey, cool! All right, you can be my trophy wife now.

Elle: Sorry, but I've found somebody hotter, smarter, nicer, and way less annoying to marry. Ya snooze, ya lose.

**__**

Little Shop of Horrors

Mr. Mushnik: It sucks to be me!

Seymour: It sucks to be me!

Mr. Mushnik: To not have a job…

Seymour: To not have a date…

Audrey: It sucks to be me!

Seymour: But not for long! My pet plant is going to solve all our problems.

__

(The plant solves all their problems, but it eats them afterwards. And no, I'm not making this up.)

**__**

Man of La Mancha

The Governor: Cervantes, me and my prison gang are gonna steal all your stuff…unless you can make up a cool story to distract us with.

Cervantes: Well, once there was this nutty guy who thought he was a knight…

The Governor: Keep talking.

Cervantes: He had a lot of zany adventures, and then died.

The Governor: All right, you can keep it. Good luck at the trial--hope they don't behead ya.

**__**

South Pacific

Nellie: I love you Emile, but we can't be together because I'm too damn racist.

Emile: Then I guess I'll go on a suicide mission, since there's nothing left for me to live for.

Nellie: Nothing to live for? But what about your two cute little motherless children?

Emile: Meh, I never liked them all that much anyway.

Joe Cable: I love you, Liat, but we can't be together because I'm too damn racist. So I guess I'll go on a suicide mission, since there's nothing left for me to live for.

Bloody Mary: You suck, Lieutenant Cable!

__

(They go out on the suicide mission, and since this is a family-friendly musical, the guy with the cute little motherless children somehow manages to survive)

**__**

Annie

Oliver Warbucks: I'm going to be nice to an orphan as part of a publicity stunt.

Annie: Oh! Me! Pick me! See how cute I am?

Grace: Oh, pick her! See how cute she is?

Warbucks: Whatever. Long as I don't have to hang out with her.

Annie: Sure you won't change your mind? See how cute I am?

Warbucks: I don't like kids.

Annie: See how cute I am?

Warbucks: I'm just not the fatherly type.

Annie: SEE HOW CUTE I AM?

Warbucks: Awww, see how cute she is! I wanna adopt her!

Ms. Hannigan: No way. There's nothing I hate more than happy endings!

Annie: You've got issues, lady

__

(After some token plot conflicts, the cute little girl gets her happy ending)

__

A/N: Still open to requests, if anyone has more. And if I haven't gotten to your request yet, don't worry, I will!


	6. Chapter 6

****

Hello Dolly

Horace Vandergelder: Dolly, make your love of meddling useful and find me a wife. I'd like someone who's young, strong, beautiful, and intelligent. Her turn-ons must include middle-aged misers and manual labor.

Irene Malloy: I'm so miserable that marriage to _him_ would actually be a step up. How pathetic is that?

Cornelius Hackl: I really, really need a girlfriend. Her turn-ons must include Sunday clothes and nerdy giggling.

Barnaby Tucker: And stuffed whales!

Ambrose and Ermengarde: We're cute and in love! (_kiss, kiss)_

Horace: Ugh, stop that! I hate it when people are cute and in love!

Dolly Levi: (_meddles)_

Irene and Cornelius: We're cute and in love! (_kiss, kiss)_

Barnaby and Minnie: We're cute and in love! (_kiss, kiss)_

Horace and Dolly: We're cute and in love! (_kiss, kiss)_

Ambrose and Ermengarde: We're still cute and in love! (_kiss, kiss)_

****

Once Upon A Mattress

Lady Larkin: I want to get married, Harry

Sir Harry: But it's against the law for anyone to get married before the Prince does.

Lady Larkin: SHOULD'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU KNOCKED ME UP, GENIUS!

A Girl Named Fred: Never fear! I'll marry the Prince and solve everything.

Prince Dauntless: Mmm, sounds good to me! You're cu-u-ute.

The Prince's Disturbingly Co-Dependent Mom: NO! I FORBID IT!

Prince Dauntless: Shut up, Mom! She's cute!

(_Everyone gets married and lives happily ever after)_

****

Oliver

Oliver: Please, sir, I want some more.

Evil Dickensian Oppressor: Get lost, ingrate.

Oliver: Well, where am I going to go now?

The Artful Dodger: You can always come be a crook with me

Oliver: Well, you do make it look awfully cool(_follows him home)_

Nancy: Aww, but he's too little and cute to be a crook

Bill: (_gratuitously abuses Nancy)_ Shut up, you worthless skank (_gratuitously abuses Oliver)_

Noble Dickensian Philanthropist: Oliver, I want you to come live with me in my glorious mansion. Youre too little and cute to be a crook.

Bill: I _hate _it when she's right. (_dies)_

****

Urinetown

Old Man Strong: (_pees in the gutter)_

Penelope Pennywise: This is the most depraved crime against humanity I've ever seen! Prepare yourself for a lifetime of torture in maximum-security prison, villain!

Bobby Strong: Erm, show of hands, please? Does anyone else think that was over the top?

(_The Evil Regime offs Bobby)_

Penelope Pennywise: Okay, even _I _think _that _was over the top!

****

Mary Poppins

Jane and Michael Banks: Please come home and play with us, Daddy.

George Banks: Why should I? I'm a cold-hearted workaholic and loving every minute of it!

Mary Poppins: We'll have to work on him. In the mean time, I've got some really cute songs to sing to you kids.

__

(Mary Poppins runs out of musical numbers, fixes Mr. Banks, and flies off into the sunset)

****

Mamma Mia

Sophie: I want to find out who my biological father is, so I'm going to invite all the possible candidates to my wedding to determine paternity. It'll be fun, having two emotionally exhausting life events at the same time.

Sky: I really don't think you're thinking straight...

Sophie: You know, you're right. Screw the whole thing.

****

Peter Pan

Peter: I don't want to be saddled with adult responsibilities, so Im going to stay a twelve-year-old boy forever!

Wendy: A twelve-year-old boy? That's funny. You look like a twenty-something woman.

Peter: Shut up!


	7. Chapter 7

**__**

Guys and Dolls

Nathan Detroit: I'm a freewheelin' gambler, and I don't wanna get married!

Sky Masterson: Here, here! There's nothin' stupider than marriage! Except maybe for missionaries.

(_Two Days Later...)_

Sky: (_standing at an altar next to a missionary, looking mildly dumbfounded) _Er, what just happened, here?

Nathan: We got real whipped, real quick, that's what happened.

Adelaide: Just go with it, honey

**__**

The Wizard of Oz

The Good Witch: Get out there and fight that Wicked Witch with all you've got, Dorothy!

The Wicked Witch: (_wounded)_ Hey, I thought we were BFF's!

The Good Witch: Huh? (_sigh) _That Maguire's got me so confused.

Dorothy: I can see you two are busy, so my new technicolor friends and I will go ask the wizard for help instead.

The Wicked Witch: No! He's evil!

The Good Witch: What? I thought he was just wimpy?

Dorothy: Man, this place is even weirder than I thought...

**__**

Starlight Express

Control: _(falls asleep)_

Greaseball: Well, now that he's out of the way, Rusty, I challenge you to a world-championship drag race!

Rusty: You're on, sucker! I'm the fastest singing train on roller skates there is!

Audience: (_wishes stuff this cool would happen when they fall asleep)_

**__**

The Little Mermaid

Ariel: Ursula, use your magic to make me human, so I can be with the man I love

Ursula: Okay, but you'll have to give up your voice, and the magic won't stick unless you can get him to fall in love with you (_evil laugh) _Heh heh, and what are the odds of that happening?

Eric: Ariel, you're the cutest mute weirdo I've ever seen!

Ursula: Dammit! I forgot I was dealing with a Disney story (_goes on a rampage)_

Ariel: I'll stop her! (_smashes a seashell)_

Eric: (_annoyed) _That's all it takes to destroy her? I wish somebody would have told me that before I swam to the ocean floor and drove a shipwreck through her heart!

Ariel: Our effects budget wouldn't cover that this time. Now, pipe down and marry me, gorgeous.

**__**

Showboat

Cap'n Andy: Welcome aboard, folks! Allow me to introduce you to my merry crew

Pete: I hate to be the one break it to you, pal, but we're not merry

Magnolia: Yeah, my husband just ran out on me!

Julie: I'm being persecuted by aggressive racists...

Steve: And I'm secretly a vampire! (_sucks Julie's blood)_

Joe: You guys are a bunch of downers. I'd rather talk to the freaking river!

**__**

Into the Woods

The Baker: Yeah, son, your mom and I used to have all kinds of cool celebrity friends. Ever hear of Rapunzel? She was actually my sister. And Jack the Giant Killer-- I was the one who gave him the magic beans. Cinderella once helped us win a scavenger hunt. And one time, I totally rescued Little Red Ridinghood from Big Bad Wolf!

The Baker's Kid: (_eyeroll) _Right, Dad. And I've got a hot date with Snow White tonight.


End file.
